Healing from Emotionally
Immature Parents
Mental health support for adult expats processing stressful childhoods
Virtual counseling in Germany
Something felt wrong.
Growing up with a parent who isn’t emotionally available is a lonely and confusing experience. Your narrative may be that you had a pretty good childhood: you weren’t physically abused, your parents mostly looked after you and provided you with what you needed, you didn’t have it that bad. You don’t want to be dramatic or a victim, knowing others had it worse.
But you also know that things weren’t quite right either. You marvel at people who say that their parent is their best friend, because it has never really felt emotionally safe to be yourself around your own parents. Maybe they even look and act normal to the outside world but have a different face for you.
You may assume you’ve been a bad kid, or you just needed to achieve a certain milestone, or you just needed to learn how to communicate with your parent better. Perhaps after all this time, you are still striving for their approval, but it doesn’t seem possible to make them happy. Or you find yourself avoiding them more and more.
The loneliness of feeling unseen by your caregivers is physically painful, but it doesn’t show on the outside. It may feel like an emptiness, an existential aloneness that has always been with you. But it’s not a mystery: it came from your family. And it can be detangled.
Is your parent like this?
It’s not your imagination: not all parents act this way. Take a look at this list and see how many traits and behaviors feel familiar in your caregivers.
(You may recognize this list from Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson, Psy.D.)
overreacts to minor things
not much empathy or emotional awareness
uncomfortable with emotional closeness
irritated by different viewpoints
uses you as a confidant but can’t be one themself
inconsiderate of others’ feelings
didn’t give much attention or sympathy unless you were sick or severely hurt
sometimes wise, sometimes unreasonable
respond with superficiality or anger when you’re upset
mostly center themself in conversation
defensively reacts to any form of disagreement
your successes don’t seem to matter to them
opinions unswayed by facts or logic
rarely takes responsibility for their role in a problem
black-and-white thinking, unreceptive to new ideas
Your life belongs to you.
You are not a problem to fix! You are a whole person who has always deserved emotional closeness and care. Can you imagine not worrying about what your parents would think anymore? How about setting boundaries so they can’t act out on you when they’re upset? Or even just finding a place where you can feel accepted for who you are, not some perfect ideal of yourself?
Somatic therapy can help you:
Learn what is really happening in your family
Detangle your identity from your family role
Deepen your healthy relationships and get space from unsupportive ones
Identify what feels right for you, not just what is expected of you
Become the compassionate and supportive parent you always needed
I will not pressure you to cut off contact with your family or try to recover suppressed memories. My role is to assist you in discovering the patterns that led you here, help you gain confidence and compassion for yourself, and discover with you what life can be like outside the bubble of your family’s needs.